Time to Say Goodbye

On Sunday night, October 18, I had to say goodbye to my best friend with four legs, my cat Wesser. She was my companion for 16 years, and she was a good friend. I loved her more than words can possibly express. We'd been through a lot together. Together, we weathered a divorce, my mom's death, three failed relationships, breast cancer and six moves.

Very few people got to see the softer side of Wesser as she was a very shy cat and didn't care for strangers much. To be removed from the “stranger” list, you had to either live with us for several months or you had to babysit her and hang out with me a lot over the course of ten years. And, even then, it was a little iffy.

With me, she was incredibly loving. When my mother died, she sensed the sadness in me and used to crawl up onto my shoulder and give me “hugs” when I was feeling my saddest. She was my constant companion and would follow me from room to room. Even if she wasn't sitting on my lap, she didn't like being too far away for very long if she could help it. At the end of each day, she would hear the garage door open and be waiting for me just inside the door when I came in. We would have a little conversation, exchanging ‘meows’ as I got her dinner for her.

For the past 16 years, I only spent one night in my home without her. That was the night she had to stay at the vet to have a cyst removed from her head. The night after her return home, when she was still feeling some pain, she laid her head down on my arm and slept there for two hours. She slept in my bed next to me or in one of the corners almost every night of those 16 years. She knew she had a special place in my heart and my home, and she had an attitude that showed it.

She was my family for 16 years. I loved her as much as any family member. I didn't have children, so she was my baby. I know it's not the same as losing a child. When you have a pet, you know that you only have a limited time with them. You just hope that time lasts as long as possible. But I loved her very, very much, and I will miss her a great deal. My heart is broken at the loss.

For her, however, I'm very happy. I'm glad that she's not in any pain. She was in a great deal of pain that last night. She didn't show me any pain before that, but that last night, it was too much for her. We had taken her to the emergency animal clinic. I took her because she had been hiding under the bed for days, not eating or drinking much or using her litter. It wasn't like her not to come out at all, and on that last day, she seemed weak. We thought she might be sick or dehydrated. We had no idea how sick she was.

We were at the clinic for hours as it was packed with a steady stream of patients coming and going. She laid listless in my arms, clearly not feeling well. When they weighed her, she weighed only 7.5 lbs. Last year, she had weighed 13 pounds. Earlier this year, she was down to 11.5, and then a couple of months ago, she had dropped to 10.5 lbs. She wasn't eating as much the last several months, but she also wasn't as active. She was 16 years old. I had read that this was pretty normal in aging cats, so I didn't worry about it too much.

But 7.5 lbs., was far too much of a loss. I knew something serious was going on. While we waiting for them to run some tests on her, she laid on the table without moving, except for the barest flick of a tail. This was uncharacteristic of Wesser, who hated vets and noise, and seemed to be reacting to none of it. Her eyes were lifeless and glassy. I watched her breathing afraid she would slip away from us at any moment.

When the tests came back, they said she had a massive tumor that was wrapped around her kidney and pressing into her liver. They said they couldn't be sure of the nature of the tumor without a battery of further tests, but they were fairly certain it was malignant (7.5 lbs.!) and, given the size of the tumor, it would require either surgery or chemotherapy to treat, and her prognosis wasn't good.

I've been through both surgery and chemotherapy, and I just felt it would be too cruel to put her through that, particularly since she has had a good long life and the prognosis for recovery was so poor. And, it was so hard seeing how much pain she clearly was in. I don't know how long she had been experiencing pain like that—I hope not long—but she hid it well. It was indicative of how much pain she was in that she no longer had the energy to hide it. So, we let her go. The vet agreed that it was the kindest option. And I have no regrets. She took good care of me throughout the years. It was time for her to rest.

I already miss my little Wesser girl. She was a good girl. I will always remember her with great love and fond memories. My life won't be the same without her.