Wow. What a contrast between the beginning of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. At the beginning of 2008, I was entering into a new relationship that, as it progressed, seemed headed for “happily ever after.” As it turns out, happily ever after didn't last the year. Without going into details, I'll just say that we were at different places and reached a point where it was more damaging to try to make things fit than to just move on. I'm very sad at the loss, but I'm not bitter or angry or resentful. We're both doing the things we need to do to be healthy and happy right now. And, really, that's the best you can ever do.
The economy also affected me in 2008 and forced me to develop a spending plan and learn to live within a budget... a very tight budget. I'm still in the learning curve for that one, but it's getting better. When I finally realized that I just needed to let go and trust that God would provide for my needs, I was able to let go of a lot of the anxiety about it.
The biggest thing that 2008 brought me was a closer relationship with God. I spent a number of years separated from God and began my journey back when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2006. Over the course of my treatment, I began praying and having conversations with God again—something I hadn't done in many years. But it was at the beginning of 2008 that He truly called me home (as in, “Enough of this dilly-dallying; it's time to come home now!”).
He did this by providing me with a church home, allowing me to make connections there, providing opportunities for me to get involved there, and, finally, enabling me to develop solid friendships through the connections He made for me. (I was blessed to spend Christmas evening with one of these friends.) Over the course of 2008, I got more and more involved in church activities, ministries, and small groups (He has a way of pulling you in). And the more I get involved, the more I want to do!
So, while my romantic relationship began to dissolve, the relationship with my Father in heaven has grown. I use that phrase deliberately because lately I've been feeling like He's been providing me with safety, comfort, and peace during difficult times. When things get a little overwhelming, I imagine crawling into His lap and letting Him cradle me and comfort me like a little child. It works.
One night a little over a month ago, as I was getting ready to leave the church after starting with a new ministry team, I was handed a fortune cookie. My fortune said, “Big changes are coming, but you will be happy.” As I reflect over the changes that are happening in my life, I really feel like that was God's way of telling me that life was going to take some unexpected turns and it's definitely not going to turn out the way I thought (like my relationship), but that it would be okay because, ultimately, the changes would be for good... and for God. I'm trusting in that.
And that's where 2009 begins: I am open to the changes God is bringing and willing to go where He takes me. I'm putting my life in His hands and trusting Him to take me where I'm supposed to go. I'm surrendering my will to His and praying that, in doing so, I can become the me that He made me to be.
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