2008

The first week of the year has been a bit weird for me. On New Year's Day, a part of me "woke up" realizing that I hadn't been fully myself in a long time. Ironically, the cancer I battled in 2006 made me feel more alive than I've felt in the last few months. I suspect it's because it gave me a focus (along with the movie), and once I had recovered, I lost my focus.

Over the last few months, I've started feeling more and more detached from myself and the people around me. That was compounded by starting my own business, which removed me from the social behavior of an office and left me sometimes spending days without leaving my house. The net result just left me feeling like... not me.

On Christmas Eve, I went to church with my sister's family for the candelight service. As soon as I walked in, the church reminded me of Belmont Church, which was the church I attended in Nashville and was baptized in on my 30th birthday. That church was really a spiritual home for me. When I moved to Ann Arbor, I stopped going to church. I had other spiritual pursuits... for a while. A few years ago, I even joined a Buddhist temple. I really enjoyed the Buddhist teachings and incorporated them into my belief system, but I didn't find the spiritual fulfillment there that I had received at Belmont.

So, when I walked into that church on Christmas Eve and it so reminded me (in appearance) of Belmont, something in my heart caught. The service was beautiful. The choir performed selections from Handel's Messiah. It was a communion service and I took communion for the first time in 12 years. My heart broke open wide at that moment, with tears flowing down my face. I just felt really grateful to be in that place, and, for the first time in a long time, I realized that a piece of me was missing.

I made a decision at that moment that I was going to return to Ann Arbor and find a church. But, when I got back, I got lazy and I didn't do anything about it the first Sunday I was back. On New Year's Day, I had a moment of enlightenment following a particularly compelling meditation that made me realize that I haven't been nurturing the spiritual side of me for years. In fact, I've been downright ignoring it. After my meditation, a quote from a poem I wrote over a decade ago popped into my head: "I lost the spirit to leap and fly." That poem was about giving my power away, but in this context, the line made me realize that I hadn't been living up to my full potential for a very long time.

This week, I've been on an emotional roller coaster, plagued by anxiety attacks. I started taking a good, hard look at myself and the way I've been living my life for the past few years, and I realized that I need to make some changes. I'm tired of sitting on my butt in front of the TV every night using the excuse that I work hard and deserve to relax. That's true, but I've gotten to the point where I don't get anything done. I started sewing again this week. I'm also starting to streamline my household again... a project I've started many times but never get very far. This time, I will finish.

I just started feeling like my life was passing me by and I wasn't living it. So, my goal for 2008 is to be more active and more involved in my own life. I'm also going to find a new church home in Ann Arbor. I really need that. I've identified a few churches that I want to check out. The one that I'm going to try tomorrow has a lot of promise. I'm looking for a contemporary, non-denominational church with high-spirited singing and praise on Sundays with practical, real-world sermons. That's exactly how this church describes itself. When I watched the video about the church on their website, it really touched my heart and got me excited about trying it.

It's also right around the corner from my house, which is convenient. I have high hopes for this church, so I'm really excited that it's so close. There was another church that had sounded a lot like Belmont that I wanted to try, but it's in Novi. I would much rather go to a local church. Not only is it a church that supports my own community, but I know myself and I know that I'll be much more likely to go to church regularly if the drive is 5 minutes rather than an hour.

I'll post about the experience tomorrow after I've returned from the service.