Equally Yoked

I've recently entered into a new relationship. I haven't said much about it on the blog because, frankly, I just wanted to keep it to myself for a while. I didn't want to make any broad declarations only to have it fail. But, there's something about this one that is different from any that has come before it. And that made me a little selfish, wanting to keep it to myself for a while... like a delightful secret that was just mine. Actually, there's a lot deliberately different about this relationship, and those things have made this unlike any other in ways that are both surprising and unexpected.

First, let me tell you about Chris. We've been spending time together since the beginning of the year. It started as a friendship (on my part anyway) because I wasn't ready for a new relationship. I was still recovering from my last break-up and needed to give myself time to heal. Although Chris made his intentions clear, I let him know that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I offered him friendship as an only option. He accepted that and completely respected my boundaries. He didn't hide how he felt, but he also never pressed me for more than I was willing to give.

Chris is a few years older than me, has two children. The youngest is graduating from high school this year and the oldest is already in college. We met serving on the homeless ministry at my church. He's not a member of my church and actually goes to a different church, but a lot of people from his church volunteer on our ministry. When we started hanging out together, I started going to church with him on Saturday evenings and then would go to my own church on Sunday. However, after a few weeks, my life got kind of chaotic with work and other obligations, and I wasn't able to go to church with him on Saturday nights. After a few more weeks, I invited him to church with me on Sunday. We would occasionally make it to his church too (doing both churches in any one given weekend), but mostly we both attended my church.

Recently, however, I've committed to starting to go back to his church with him. I'm not giving up my church. It's my home, and I love it. However, knowing how I feel about my own church made me realize how Chris must feel about his. So, I agreed that we should make the effort to attend his church too. We're still figuring out the routine, but Sunday we went to Vineyard's 9:30 service (which is my church) and Northridge's 11:30 service (which is his church). We got great messages from both services, and it was a joy to spend our entire morning in the presence of God.

And that brings me to the first major difference in this relationship. Chris and I share a faith. We have the same belief system and the same values, and, as a result, God is front and center in our relationship. In fact, we both believe that God was instrumental in bringing us together, and we really trust Him to guide this relationship each step of the way. We worship Him together, we serve Him together, and we praise Him together. Almost every conversation begins with or leads to a discussion on God.

And that brings me to the next major difference in this relationship. Before Chris and I even started dating, though I was just at the point where I was just becoming ready to consider dating, Chris announced to me that he didn't want pre-marital sex. I have to tell you, when he told me that, I wanted to run screaming from the car (where we had the conversation)... not because of what he said, but when he said it. I wasn't even willing to hold hands with him yet, and he was already discussing his stance on sex!! I told him I'd have to think about that some more, and then moved to CHANGE THE FREAKING SUBJECT!!

However, I did think about that. And what Chris had told me when he made that declaration was that, given how we both feel about God, he felt it was an important choice to make in order to honor the Father that we both love so much. And, as I thought about it, I realized how right he was. But, it has taken many weeks since then to really appreciate the full impact of that decision. And that is what has really taken me by surprise. Because I'm experiencing this relationship in a way that I never have before.

I've never been in a relationship for any length of time in which sex wasn't eventually introduced. But I've always believed that sex changes everything and shouldn't be rushed into (though that's not to say I've never rushed into it). It creates obligations and expectations where previously there might not have been any. It leaves one or both parties wondering, “What happens next?” “Is he (or she) the one?” “What does this mean to (or say about) our relationship?” These questions create unnecessary stress and tension in a relationship. They also make it nearly impossible to just stay in and experience the present moment of a relationship. And, as a result, you miss out on an awful lot... as I am now discovering.

The other thing that I've come to appreciate is how early Chris discussed that with me. Though, at the time, it seemed way too early, I realize now that the timing was perfect. It was perfect because it created a clear expectation and boundary before we were in a position to have to make a hasty decision in a moment of vulnerability (and poor judgement). As a result, we know not to put ourselves into that particular position of vulnerability.

I know it may seem old-fashioned, especially by today's standards, but Chris and I are very happy with our decision. And we are experiencing all kinds of wonderful benefits that neither of us had any idea would happen. As an example, one of our greatest joys is just spending time together and holding hands. And because we haven't been in a big hurry to pass the hand holding stage into something else, we both find the simple act of holding hands intensely satisfying.

We made the decision to take things very slowly, and we've found that by doing so, we've made room for God in our relationship. In general, I've found that when you rush through life, it's sometimes hard to make room for God. But when you slow down and talk to Him and listen to Him, you find He's always there. And, that's essentially what Chris and I have done in our relationship. We've made room for God. God is guiding us. We're not doing any of this alone.

In fact, though we've been dating for several weeks, we only shared our first kiss last night. And, let me tell you, I know that we were both getting pretty impatient for it, but we continued to wait because we wanted to make sure that God was with us each step of the way. And, by waiting, we discovered the joy of anticipation. That anticipation could have put a lot of pressure on the first kiss, but instead it just gave us something to look forward to. And, when it finally happened, it was completely worth the wait! It was everything I hoped it to be, and yet, it was still a pleasant surprise. I know that Chris felt the same way.

Don't fool yourself into believing that just because we made the decision to wait, that it's easy to do so. Don't think we're not tempted. On the other hand, because we trust in God to lead us in this, and because we love Him so much and want to honor Him in this way, it's definitely easier than if we tried to do this without Him. He gives us the strength that does make it easy to resist temptation.

The title of my post comes from Chris. It's a phrase that he frequently uses to mean that we are both strong in our faith and moving in the same direction with the same commitment to honoring God and living life according to His will. He talked about the importance of being "equally yoked" early on, because of how difficult it is to live life with someone who doesn't have the same motivation or desire. We are equally yoked in this way, and it's one of the big things that appeals to both of us about this relationship. We feel it's the very thing that will allow this relationship to continue to grow... a strong root results in a strong tree. I know we're both looking forward to seeing what blooms.